An Attempt to Write

It has been over a month since I have written here. I've checked in on my blog a few times over these weeks, wanting to get back to writing - even about silly, shallow stuff - maybe especially about that stuff, but not sure how to start. I realized I had a few comments and messages during my absence wondering if I was okay. It occurs to me that some readers don't know me in real life or don't follow me on other social media channels. Not many. Don't get me wrong - this blog is not busting the charts with followers, but there are some. So I'll try today. The thing is that my mom passed away just over a month ago. It seems like years and also five minutes since I heard her voice. 

I've written some in my own personal journal, but the words - the meaningful ones, the healing ones, the ones that might accurately describe her or me or this grief  - don't seem to be coming. And whether it's just me inventing distractions to keep from writing or perhaps God allowing the distractions for my own protection, I really haven't found much time to write for long stretches - even the writing I do for myself that never shows up here. So I am at the laptop this morning. I'll start tapping away and see what happens. I might slam this thing closed any second. 

There just aren't any sentences to describe this that don't seem overused and cliche and basic. Maybe that's because loss is so universal. And cliches become cliches because there must be some truth to them - truth that applies to all loss. And I suppose when you lose someone significant to you, your loss seems more significant than all those trite quotes about grief. But I can't string any sentences together that are worthy. Perhaps that's because I don't fully understand that she's really not here. I don't think I get it. At the times that I think I do, I try to write and then nothing conveys the gaping hole left. Nothing describes the confusion of her absence. This "new normal" (again, so cliche) seems foreign and just freaking weird. The word that comes to mind to describe me is "unmoored". I mean, I don't even know if that's a real word. Unanchored? Untethered? 

There are times, I feel like I'm just wandering around trying to find her. Trying to imagine that she'll show up or the phone will ring or I'll wake up and this was all a dream. I just want to go back to March 19th when nothing was perfect, but everything was familiar. And again, I know this isn't unique. So why even write about it? For a girl who revels in words and feels comfort when she discovers exactly the right ones, it's frustrating the crap out of me. The only words I seem to be finding are curse words lately. Honestly, my language has been atrocious. Mainly just in conversations with my sister or when I'm talking to myself alone at home with only my dog to offend, but still. If my mom is paying attention up there in heaven, she's probably super mad about it. And since profanity has not ever been a ubiquitous feature on this blog, I feel compelled to keep it clean around here. 

So I guess that's enough for now. There will be more to share here. Certainly, more about tv shows that made me laugh, a great book I read, or a really good top I bought for $24.73 on Amazon. Who am I if I'm not in search of the perfect lip gloss or hair styling mousse? Just take a look at that photo of Mom and me in 1995. I mean, I come by my love of a beauty product honestly. But also, there will be more writing about God here. More about my faith. More Bible-thumping and Jesus-juking - you can bet the house on that. 

Because I know this: I might be confused about a lot of things. I might have a lot of uncertainty about what life will look like for my dad, my siblings, my family and me without my beautiful, faithful, funny, talented, servant-hearted mom. But there are some things I know for sure. I know with absolute confidence that the God I love is good. He is kind. He is merciful. And His love for me has no limit. He has shown up for me in the past month in very specific ways. Ways that cannot be explained away as coincidence. And I am called to share the Good News. So, that's what I'll do here as soon and as often as I can get these fingers to move on this keyboard. 

See you next week, friends. If you have a prayer to spare for my family and me, we'll take it.